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You can access previous spoilers columns at Innsmouth Free Press here.
This will be the last one I’m posting on IMDb (since the message boards there are closing down this weekend).
I’ll also be simul-recapping on Wayward Children.
Recap starting with some scene snippets and such we haven’t heard before of the underwhelming LoL, the underwhelming Lucifer spawn story, and some stuff about sparkly superweapons (gee, I miss the Colt and the First Blade).
Cut to Mr. Ketch narrating to the audience (oh…no) and then a flashback to 5:20pm sometime before (oh, NOOOOOOO. Stop it with that cliched BS, show!).
Cue the sneak peek. Dean is (totally improbably) striking out with the waitress, who is bored and also into Castiel. A confused conversation of Dean giving dating advice to Castiel, Sam talking about having scanned all the Bunker’s library into his computer (yeah…um…no, show. Really. No), and such before Mary gets them all back to business, which is helping a Hunter who’s normally into hunting rougaru with hunting a demon. Dean gets a date with the waitress for Castiel.
So, then we flash to Mary dragging a wounded Castiel out of a house, while Sam and Dean are fighting demons. By the way? The waitress was possessed. She kills the Doomed Teaser Hunter as Sam is killing another demon, then brags about how famous she’ll be for killing Sam Winchester before Dean stabs her from behind (because demons are definitely stupid).
Cue title cards.
Annnnd, more flashing around because this is a very basic story intentionally being jumbled around like Pulp Fiction, except that this episode, so far, kinda sucks. Like, badly.
So, the upshot is that the demon they’re hunting turns out to be YED. No, it doesn’t make any sense, and I’m sure we’re all going to regret this return a whole lot because so far? This episode kinda sucks. And the music is annoyingly inappropriate.
He kicks their asses and stabs Castiel with a big spear, while snarking. We flash back to the other two demons getting killed…yeah, whatever, show.
Anyhoo, Mary is able to rescue Castiel temporarily by ramming YED with her car (which must have been satisfying), but Castiel can’t heal himself.
Mary tells the Brothers about recognizing YED. We get another annoying-ass flashback to her talking with DTH about how she’s really working with the LoL and how awesome they are. She then gives a list of “accomplishments” the LoL have helped her do that sound like an ordinary month for her sons.
The episode keeps jumping around like a damned spider on acid, so it’s not really clear who’s finding out when where, but we then go forward to Mary talking with Sam briefly about hunting and then finding a safe in the cellar behind that same old painting of Michael killing the Devil. Whatever she finds and opens up glows. And later, she lies to Castiel.
Cut forward again (oh, *enough*, show!) to Mary trying to help Castiel and texting the LoL for help. They are predictably useless.
An awful lot of this is overlapping scenes, which probably means the amount of story we’ll actually get will be maybe twenty minutes worth.
The Brothers come in and tell Mary about DTH. Dean goes to Castiel, who tells him he can’t heal and may be dying.
Crowley shows up unexpectedly and tells them they’re all going to die, while calling them “idiots.”
So, Crowley introduces himself to Mary, who tells him she’ll kill him if he touches her.
Crowley asks if they know who Ramiel is. Only Castiel does. Castiel says that Ramiel is a Prince of Hell. They’re supposed to be superdemons after Lilith (except that, hey, show, Lilith was afraid of the Spork and this new demon is immune to it, remember?). So, a low-rent version of Knights of Hell and MoC folk, basically. Oh, and it seems YED was one.
Another stupid flashback, this time to Crowley giving Ramiel the Lance of Michael. Ramiel blathers over it for a while. It kills evil things and good things slowly. Hmm, how shall we end up killing Ramiel, I wonder?
Crowley also gives him the glow-y box. He wants Ramiel to rule Hell. Ramiel isn’t interested.
Apparently, this flashback is to right after “Swan Song” because Ramiel hands the crown over to Crowley.
Supposedly, there are other Princes of Hell–Asmodeus and Dagon. Ramiel tells Crowley to leave them alone or the Princes will come after Crowley.
Well, after Cain, Dean/MoC, God and Amara, I am pretty unimpressed.
Listen, dumbass writers, a spear and a lance are basically the same thing.
Crowley admits there is no cure for Castiel. Dean points out that they’ve taken down bigger prey (like…oh, YED, by any chance? Can we say “Colt”?). Crowley hedges. Dean tells him to help or get lost, so Crowley gets lost. Sort of. As Ramiel approaches the barn, Crowley tries to make a deal with him.
Ah, I see Ramiel is far too stupid to know who the Winchesters are. Crowley gives his speech about how the Winchesters are too important to kill and tries to make another deal. Instead, Ramiel blows him through the wall of the barn.
More annoying-ass western music. Normally, I like this group (same guys as from “Frontierland,” I think), but boy, does it not work here.
More repeating of scenes crap. So lazy.
After Crowley leaves, Castiel tries to thank the Brothers for being his family. He knows he’s dying and tells them he loves them.
The Nep Duo wrote this tripe, didn’t they? Or was it one of the newbies?
So, Dean’s plan is to “hit ’em with everything we got” and they proceed to use holy fire and magic brass knuckles. Ramiel is unimpressed. I am really unimpressed by the actor.
Ramiel says he doesn’t care about anything. Like…*literally* anything. Which makes him remarkably boring. This guy is no Cain.
He says his sister Dagon is helping that nitwit who got herself preggers by Lucifer. Oh, yay. More Princes of Hell a-coming with *that* useless storyline.
So, Ramiel monologues and says they have 30 seconds to give him back what’s his. The Brothers have no clue what he’s talking about. He brings out the spear (hey! Think that might kill him? I’ll bet it would!) and they attack him.
He’s beating their asses in a pretty desultory way until Sam finally manages to get the drop on Ramiel and stab him. Ramiel starts laughing, then screams as he light up inside and blows apart.
As the others gather around Castiel, who is vomiting black goo, Crowley wakes up and picks up the spear (let’s not secure the really scary new weapon, or anything) and remembers Ramiel talking about runes on the thing. He somehow heals Castiel.
Crowley says, “You’re welcome,” drops the spear, and disappears.
Well…that was underwhelming. And it’s not even over yet.
So, Castiel is cured and asks what Ramiel was babbling on about their supposedly having. Dean says, Who cares? He picks up the spear and they exit.
Cut to a coda with Mr. Ketch–getting dressed down by Mary. Ketch whines, “Is that a threat?” Mary says, “It’s a promise.” If the LoL screw her and her kids over again, she will “burn you all down.”
A bit intimidated, Ketch backs down and apologizes. He asks to see “it.” Lemme guess–it’s the glowy thing.
Though why the Colt was glowing, I don’t know. Ketch is all reverent, which is pretty sad, considering the Brothers discarded it because it didn’t work so well, anymore. Also, why Mary didn’t just USE IT ON RAMIEL, I don’t know. It would have worked.
Oh, and it’s not Ramiel’s or any other Prince of Hell’s. A human made it.
Cut to Crowley realizing it’s slipped from his hands. Also, seems Lucifer can talk to Crowley from the Cage and starts insinuating that Sam and Dean will eventually turn on him (well…duh). Crowley tells him to shut up and calls him “dog.” I sure hope Show won’t be writing Crowley stupid and having him start listening to Lucifer, of all people.
And again, no preview aired so we can instead cut to lame-ass Riverdale.
Welp, *that* sucked. In more adept hands, it might have worked, but thanks to this particular writer, it came off more like spaghetti and meatballs with calamari and ice cream tossed at a wall.
Promo for next week.