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Starting now with a recap of the LoL and Lucifer’s baby that makes me wish neither had ever happened.
Cut to Now and someone running through the woods. It’s Eileen. She’s being chased by a Hell Hound. It gets her. It’s being sicced on her by Retch, who uses a whistle to control it.
Yeah, I’m sure Crowley will be fine with that.
So, yup, we just lost a popular female character in the friggin’ teaser.
Dean and Sam and in Mary’s motel room, trying to find Mary. Dean calls Retch and Retch lies to him. The Brothers compare notes and figure that out.
Sam gets a call from Jody, saying Eileen’s been killed. In South Carolina. Sam infodumps that this is the second Hunter death they’ve heard about and now Mary is missing.
Cut to the Brothers in the morgue with Eileen’s body. Dean identifies the wounds as Hell Hound, and Eileen was supposed to be in Ireland. Dean says seven Hunters have been killed in almost as many weeks. What’s going on?
Cut to Crowley berating a demon minion about not finding Kelly. More infodumping. [sigh]
Cut to “Mary” surprising a Hunter. Of course she’s got to be a shapeshifter.
Or…it’s Mary. She wakes up and Toni the Twat enters. The Twat starts monologuing about how she’s brainwashing Mary and tells Mary some home truths about John.
More delusional stupidity from the Twat about the LoL’s foolish, utterly doomed attempt to control all of the United States. It’s not even possible.
Cut to Henchbithstress being visited by Crowley. He tells her he knows about her plan. He was the one who gave Retch his Hell Hound. Crowley warns her she needs to have the same deal with him that she does in the UK. She actually thinks she can lecture Crowley about how he should stand by while she goes after the Brothers.
So…she’s hellbound and is too stupid to know it.
Cut to some demon trying to help Lucifer, or something.
Crowley is trying to make a deal with Lucifer over the hellspawn to get Lucifer to kill Henchbitchstress for her.
Mary is dragged back from another session.
Twat comes in to report and is displeased when Retch disses her. Twat calls him a psychopath, which is hilarious, considering what she is.
Henchbitchstress does some more infodumping about knowing Retch’s sexual history and acting as though the Hunters in the U.S. are already dead. God, she’s a fool.
Dean gets a letter from Eileen. She says in it that she knew they were watching her and asked if she could come to the Bunker.
At the Bunker, the Brothers proceed to look everywhere but the obvious place under the main table for the Big Honking Bug. Eventually, Dean finds it and signals to Sam.
‘Scuse me, it’s raining cats here.
So, Dean quickly comes up with a plan to trap the LoL by having a conversation with Sam about meeting another Hunter in a lonely spot.
Cut to Retch and Twat having a conversation in which both are in denial about their psychopathy. Twat is convinced she can take down the American Hunters because she’s been studying them for years. Idiot. These people are such morons.
Retch gets a call about Mary asking for him. Twat gets the call about the “meeting.” Neither realizes it’s a trap.
Mary acts all confused. I am not fooled, but Retch is. Despite his denial, she’s doing a pretty good job of seducing him. She’s got his number and he doesn’t even know it. She gets his gun and tries to shoot herself. When he gets the gun from her, she asks him to shoot her.
Retch responds in a brainwashed sort of way and leaves.
Mary cries and we are seriously supposed to believe she’s broken. That right there says so much about this pair of writers’ misogyny.
Meanwhile, the stupid Twat goes to the meet. She has just enough motherwit to send in two goons, but of course she doesn’t keep an eye on them. The Brothers trap them easily. When Twat gets her gun out, she’s captured, though not without, first, yet another “Dean gets his ass kicked by a girl” moment (even though the actress can’t stagefight her way out of a wet paper bag). They don’t even punch her. She needs to be beaten severely.
So, Crowley comes in to do some more gloating and Lucifer turns the puppet tables on him.
In the car, the Twat proceeds to monologue smugly because of course, that’s what someone does when they have a gun pointed at them. THIS BITCH NEEDS TO DIE.
So, the Twat is completely dumb enough to admit that Mick is dead and her entire stupid plan. And I have no idea why Sam doesn’t let Dean beat her. Dean is a master torturer, after all.
So, Crowley is getting his ass kicked by Lucifer – again. Lucifer is showing his wings.
Meanwhile, if Toni doesn’t die tonight, I’m gonna blow up Twitter.
Would they really kill Crowley? That would actually be…different.
So, Lucifer stabs Crowley, but doesn’t notice there’s no dying demon glow. Did I mention how stupid everyone is?
The Brothers get back to the Bunker and are ambushed, but they get the drop on everyone, including Ketch. But Mary turns the tables because she’s brainwashed now. Or something. So much hate.
So, the Brother are being disarmed…and I just lost signal because of a thunderstorm. Not. Happy.
So, we’re back to Crowley’s host being dragged out, while a suspicious mouse follows it.
We have an end scene of Retch and Mary driving in the Impala, supposedly victorious. Oh, wait, the last scene is of Lucifer. And of course, that got cut off by the rain, too. Fuck you very much, Dish. Also, fuck you very much, show. This has got to be the most unnecessary cliffhanger you’ve ever done. Ran out of ideas, did you, Dabb?
So, on top of the shit sandwich that was this episode (who the hell hired the actress who plays Toni Bevell? She’s terrible!), I couldn’t even watch the end because of a thunderstorm. I’ll get it a few hours from now, but still.
Promo for next week.
I’ll also be simul-recapping on Wayward Children.